Untouchable

Book club with authors

• Suzanne Collins: "Finnick and Annie returned to district 4 and had a child togeth-"
• JK Rowling: No no no! What are you doing, you can't let that character live. You have to be ruthless. You have to rip out the reader's heart.
• Suzanne Collins: But he really doesn't need to die...
• JK Rowling: DO YOU WANT A BEST SELLER?!
• Suzanne Collins: Yes bu—
• JK Rowling: THEN KILL HIM!
• Stephenie Meyer: Hey Jo, maybe you could help me with Breaking Daw—
• JK Rowling: Be quiet Stephenie.

• Buffy: Hi girls! Thanks for joining me for this Heroines of Pop Culture ladies night. Sookie called to say she’s sad she couldn’t make it. But no worries! I brought the zinfandel.
• Bella: I only drink red.
• Hermione: I’ll have some! I’m really excited about this ladies night. I only hang with boys.
• Katniss: You’re willing to feed me something?!?!? I’ll eat whatever you are willing to give me. I’m even cool with mouse entrails.
• Buffy: Well, we’re fresh out of those…
• Bella: Got any blood?
• Buffy: You know who you’re asking, right?
• Katniss: Moving on… So, how was everyone’s week?
• Hermione: Oh, same old. Quidditch match, Ron being a whiny, emotional middle-child, a few random assassination attempts by the Dark Lord, saving Potter from certain doom. Y’know, the usual stuff.
• Buffy: I was saving the world.
• Katniss: I was also saving the world!
• Bella: I jumped off a cliff to get the attention of my ex-boyfriend.
• …
• Buffy: I’m sorry, what?
• Bella: Well, he broke up with me, and I became all sad and stuff and it was the worst. I cried a lot and ate an entire jar of hummus.
• Katniss: And then you decided to kill yourself?
• Bella: Well, kind of. Mostly just to get his attention. I knew that either him or werewolf guy would save me.
• Buffy: I still don’t get why you’re into that werewolf. Werewolves should totally have chest hair. Why doesn’t Jacob have chest hair?
• Hermione: I have a spell for that.
• Katniss: But also, werewolves. Gross. If you date him, Rick Santorum is totally going to be all over that and call it “interspecies dating.”
• Hermione: Werewolves can totally date humans, even marry them! Or well… shapeshifter… human… types.
• Bella: You guys! It’s not like that!! Plus, he’s totally convenient to have around when I need some attention and I’m not getting it from vampire man.
• Katniss: What’s the deal with you people and dating vampires? You guys should try humans sometime.
• Hermione: Preach.
• Buffy: There’s nothing wrong with vampires. Minus their emotional unavailability, lack of reflection, and penchant for really rough sex.
• Bella: The rough sex is great, although it’s super awkward that we have to keep buying new pillows every time.
• Katniss: This conversation is getting weird. Can I have some of those Doritos?
• Bella: So Katniss, who are you going to choose between Peeta and Gale?
• Katniss: Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. Leading that whole revolution thing has left me super busy and all.
• Bella: But who will it be!! Which one makes you feel complete inside?
• Katniss: Um, neither? It’s mostly just trying to decide whether I want to have a good hunting partner or a boyfriend who knows how to work the bread machine.
• Bella: OMG I have no idea what I would do in your situation. What about you, Buffy. Angel or Spike?
• Buffy: Dating a vampire is totally crazy. They either lose their soul and try to murder everyone in your life, or they just want to use you as a sex object for their own confused, sadomasochistic love fantasies. Plus, I’m totally over guys who are trying to look like Billy Idol. I’m taking time to focus on myself.
• Bella: Interesting. I disagree with you because I think vampires are soooo dreamy, but whatevs. What about you, Hermione: Harry or Ron?
• Hermione: Um, Harry has always only been my friend. It’s always been Ron for me. But I thought tonight wasn’t talking about boys, and that’s all you seem to want to do! I came here for a girls night, not a “bitching about boys” night!
• Katniss: I only care about guys when it comes to how they can help me save the world.
• Buffy: Absolutely. We have far more exciting things to talk about. Like weapons.
• Bella: But boys are obviously the emotional crux of our lives! Edward practically looks at me the wrong way and I go into a helpless, emotional coma for eight days! He is my absolute everything and I can’t be a functional human being without his existence! What else could be more important in your lives than your man?!?!? What the hell else could ever be harder in your lives?!?
• …
• Katniss: I’ve been kind of tied up dealing with this whole reality TV death match I’ve been forced into, that’s also turned into a full-scale rebellion against the leader of my dystopian, totalitarian society, all the while trying not to starve to death and provide for my family.
• Hermione: I just had to wipe myself from the memories of my parents, as I set out on a road trip where my two best friends and I are being hunted by a band of insane fascists, working under the instructions of the wizarding equivalent of Hitler. One of them tortured me, and there is a constant fear of being hunted down and assassinated.
• Buffy: I spend every single day of my life battling evil vampires, and am constantly saving the world from demons, angry Gods, and the Root of All Evil itself. My mother is dead and my sister isn’t technically a real person. I have technically died twice. You and your man troubles take the entire women’s movement back decades.
• Bella: Hmmm, I think I’m going to take this moment to go to the washroom.
• …
• Katniss: Can we not invite her next time?
• Hermione: Absolutely.
• Buffy: Sorry you guys. I knew we should have called Ripley instead. Aliens are way more exciting. Next time we’ll do something cooler, like hunting down her entire vampire family.
• Hermione: Or studying!
• Katniss: I love hunting!!
• Buffy: I love girls night.